One of the surest ways to kill off any blog readership one might have is to quit posting for seven months. I’m sure the dearth of new content here has done the work of the harshest of winters in this part of the worldwide digital vineyard. The cycle of inspiration and desolation of the mind is as inevitable as the change of the seasons, but warmer climes have been much more hospitable for anyone who might have been moderately interested in what I had to say.

I make no promises of regular content this time. With school obligations, a wedding to plan, and occasional co-authorship of another blog my life is much more hectic than the last time I attempted to grow anything here. Although the time appears right to till the earth again and resow the seed of thought, I’m not certain of the outcome. I might eventually grow something capable of yielding a few bottles of table wine, but history says I won’t.

That’s fine. When I originally bought this digital plot I had the idea to build it into some kind of digital obschina, a collective intellectual project that would feature not only my own writings and thoughts, but those of acquaintances, friends and relatives. That vision is more humble now, or at least more realistic. What I have here is a binary hobby farm, something to work on when I’m intellectually engaged. Maybe I’ll occasionally bring a crop to market, but my existence isn’t dependent on it. Instead, I’ll be able to create something small for myself and concentrate on the craftsmanship instead of the constancy. I can put up some supplies to get me by during the lean months, and in the mean time we’ll see how the grapes fare.
If you’re in the neighborhood, you’re welcome to come in for a glass of wine and some biscuits and preserves.

I’m really happy to be leaving California.  Really happy.  The last few months have been extremely stressful, both in terms of my professional and personal lives.  The work schedule of the past two months was intense, with two field operations lumped on top of my out-processing responsibilities.

Combined with work was the application and admissions process for school next semester.   I would come back to my room in the barracks after work, already feeling defeated and worn down from the day, and I would sit down at my computer and plunk out some part of my application - my personal statement, my personal/extra-curricular activities history, my application itself - in an effort to turn in my Wisconsin two weeks early (as I would be in the field when the application was actually due).

I also had a commitment to my newspaper writing, something that I entered into eagerly and still enjoy.  As a result of my various diversions, this site has suffered.  The number of daily visitors has dropped by half, and it’s not the fault of the readership.  I’ve stepped away from the commitment I made here to attend to other things which were a higher priority (some to me, some to other individuals).

I’m not going away, at least as long as my cable Internet provider (I hope someone at Cox is reading this) doesn’t fail me.  In the past month I’ve had to call the company on two separate occasions because my connection has dropped completely.  Being an IT guy by trade, I can generally fix anything that is wrong on my end (nothing), but of course to get any kind of service on the other end I have to navigate through an annoying automated troubleshooting system, repeating “I WANT TO SPEAK TO A REPRESENTATIVE” countless times before, finally, I’m hot-routed to a customer “service” rep.

I can count how many times Cox’s rep has been helpful or able to provide me with service on the outstretched fingers of a clenched fist.  Tonight was such an occasion.  At about 8:30 I attempted to do some research for a few of the changes I’m planning for this site.  I begin to fret when, five minutes later, nothing has loaded in my browser.  I disconnect the modem to refresh the connection, but when it comes back on the link light is dead.

I call Cox.

The automated system begins the tired routine, asking me to verify that my modem is unable to connect, then telling me to do everything I have already done to attempt to connect to the service.  Not in the mood for tomfoolery, I continually request a representative until I am finally put on hold for the next available individual.

Travis, the rep, can’t help me.  We try refreshing everything, both on his end, and mine.  Travis informs me that he’s going to dispatch a tech to come look everything over, which I agree is a good idea.  After all, there just might be something wrong with Cox’s equipment in the server closet of the barracks.

Then Travis gives me the bad news - the tech won’t be here until sometime Saturday.  I inform him in no uncertain terms that I find the wait completely unacceptable, especially in light of my previous problem this month.  Travis informs me that this is, in fact, the third time I’ve had to call Cox in three months, and that if I call their billing department tomorrow I can request my service be prorated to absorb the lost time.

I thank Travis for his suggestion, but inform him I’d rather have someone come fix the service I’m paying for already.  When Travis says it’s very unlikely that I’ll see someone before Saturday (but he’ll put me in the standby line, just in case!) I request to speak to the manager.  Surely a manager can do something.

The wait on hold for the supervisor takes 25 minutes.  By the time Manager Brad announces his presence on the line I’m fuming.  No service for nearly an hour.  Waiting until Saturday for the cable company to fix their problem.  Quite the way to run the business.

I tell Manager Brad all my problems.  The polar ice caps are melting, the North Koreans have The Bomb, and oh, my Internet service is down.  I don’t need help with fixing the air pollution in LA, but I could use a little help connecting to the Web.  You know, Brad, in case any of the schools I applied to send me important emails or I decide I want to update my blog for once in a blue moon.

Brad says that, as a mighty manager for Cox, he can’t do anything.  But he can make sure I’m on standby.  I tell him that I’m already on standby.
Brad: Is there anything else I can do for you tonight, sir?

Me: Well, Brad, have you been able to do anything for me so far?

Brad:  Umm…no…

Me:  Then it would seem pretty pointless for me to expect you to be able to do anything else, right?

Brad:  Well…

Me:  It seems to me, Brad, that the usefulness of this conversation has expired.

Brad:  Well, sir, if you feel that way I’d like to thank yo-

Me: *click*

I’m not proud of giving Manager Brad a little verbal abuse, but it seems to me that Travis is getting the short end of the stick.  The stress of the last two months is slowly ebbing, but little things seem to be continually working their way under my skin and annoying me like the cake crumbs inside the rhinoceros’ skin.

I’m slowly working my way back here.  Two posts this week, two last week, hopefully one this weekend.  I have interesting things going on - packing up belongings, burning CDs for the long drive back, reading Zamyatin - things you might like to read about.

Things I’m going to start writing about again (again).

I’ve been having a tremendous struggle with writer’s block of late, a struggle brought on by suddenly truncated deadlines for a number of projects I’ve been working on.  Due to “operational requirements” I will be going out to the field for twenty-eight days between now and the first of October.

This has created a major problem; my application to school for the Spring Semester is due on the first of October, and I’m effectively losing an entire month of time that I had counted on to refine my application.  I was informed of this decision last week during a meeting, told by my bosses that I couldn’t possibly be spared for the duration of those exercises.  I have a personal statement to write, letters of recommendation to collect, and transcripts to track down.  I can feel the weight of each second as it ticks by, tiny rocks rolling down a chute into an enormous basket strapped to my back, the basket growing heavier with every snick of a tumbling stone.

The knowledge of this extremely important impending deadline wouldn’t normally phase me, but in addition to getting my application together I have a bi-weekly column to write, along with my obligations here.  I’m not allowing myself to slack off on Carriage Return because I’m planning to mention it in my application, but at the same time, I worry that if I allow myself to become too dissipated the quality of my writing (here, or elsewhere) will suffer.

It is at times such as this when I turn to music to keep me afloat.

I generally listen to lighter fare on a daily basis, but any time I need food for my brain to jumpstart the creative process, I ransack my classical collection for all it’s worth.  I’ve noticed that I turn to particular composers, even particular pieces, for inspiration during different situations.

Most frustrating for me at the moment is the deadline for my column on Friday.  Though I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time, it stubbornly refuses to be written.  I’ve tried getting angry about it, I’ve tried distracting myself while writing it, I’ve even tried forcing myself into a sort of one-sided competition over it, all to no avail.

Earlier this evening, I stepped away from my laptop, knowing that I was digging myself an ever deeper hole with every minute I lingered in front of it, practically bashing my forehead into the keyboard in the hope that something worthwhile might come of it.  The column refused to flow from brain to fingers.  I went out to the car, called Jo, and talked to her until it was time for her to go to sleep.  I sat about twenty minutes longer, staring at the headliner and trying to clear my mind, before getting up wearily and walking back inside.

Sitting back down in front of the computer, I slipped on my headphones for maximum isolation purposes, and dialed up Brahms’ Symphony No. 1 in C minor.  It was time to attack things head-on, and if I couldn’t get my column out, I was at least going to put together an update for the website.  Maybe getting something down, no matter what the topic, would help crack the dam that was retaining my power of expression.

Generally Brahms doesn’t stoke any fires of determination inside me.  I prefer to relax when I listen to most of his works, but the First Symphony, particularly the first movement, gave me a kick in the creative pants like nothing short of Beethoven’s most intense and swaggering later work.  After sitting for two or three minutes and letting the music wash over me, I was able to start stringing together a few thoughts.  Thoughts became words, words started to organize themselves into sentences, and soon I was off.  I wasn’t exactly sure where I was going yet, but I was on my way nonetheless.

Classical music has always been closely related to my ability to express myself and understand or come to terms with my emotions.  From my earliest childhood days I can remember feeling soothed by certain works, pieces of music I would rapidly develop an affinity for - Brahms’ Hungarian Dance No. 5, Pablo de Sarasate’s Ziegeunerweisen, the “Lacrimosa” of Mozart’s Requiem.

As I grew older and my musical horizons broadened, I added composers to my list of influential favorites, mostly Romantics or early Moderns like Chopin, Mahler, Rachmaninov, Shostakovich, and Puccini.  I don’t care for any other Baroque composers, but I’m drawn to the order and precision of Bach.  If I’m feeling upset or worried I loop one of my two recordings of Glenn Gould playing the “Goldberg” Variations until I can manage to get myself under control.  When I’m angry I listen to Shostakovich, and if I’m feeling lonely it’s Chopin or a Beethoven piano sonata that I’ll cue up.

Of course, the music alone isn’t always enough to cure what ails me.  There are days when I can (and have) listened to Gould for two hours straight without feeling any better.  Listening to Brahms hasn’t helped me at all with my column that remains due, and I doubt that putting on some Shostakovich will shake me up enough to get it done tonight.  There are limitations to every treatment, and sometimes the only thing to solve a problem is to wait it out.

I’m starting to get that impression with my case of writer’s block.  I can sit here all night and stare at the keys, willing the thoughts sitting in my head to translate themselves into material I can use.  The end result will be even less productive than I have managed to be already - I’ll be tired, in a foul mood, and on my way to work without having anything to show for staying up all night.  I could take another break and go to sleep, get up in the morning refreshed, go for a run, and then try to get something written down in fits and starts while I’m at work, but that doesn’t seem any more appealing to me than pulling an unproductive all-nighter.

Either way, I’m extremely likely to be frustrated come morning.  I’ll sit down in my office and listen to Yehudi Menuhin’s incredible recording of Hungarian Dance No. 5, and I’ll scratch my head, shake out my fingers, and look at the blinking cursor on the screen.  After a few moments of waiting, I’ll open Firefox and check to make sure everything looks good on this site and quickly weed out the spam comments that have been creeping back of late (I thought I’d gotten rid of them, but they seem to have latched on again).

I’ll check this post to make sure it looks good on the wider resolution setup at work.  Hopefully I’ll laugh.

I’ve just written an entire post about not being able to write.  If that doesn’t do enough for you in the irony department, I don’t think I can help you.  I certainly can’t help myself tonight, and neither can Brahms.

Lately I’ve been disappointed with the quality of my writing here. When I started consistently updating Carriage Return I was writing much more prolifically, and with higher-quality content.

In the recent months it seems that my focus has shifted away from presenting well-reasoned, interesting, and engaging articles to a constant stream of musings and Op-Ed mush. I’m not very much happy with this development, precisely because I want to, if not compartmentalize, at least organize my writing.

I write in three different places, all with completely different purposes and directions. My columns for the Winona Daily News are generally derived from experiences I’ve had which I use to tell a larger story or to illustrate a question or point of meditation. When I originally proposed my “angle,” if you will, to Jerome, my editor, I also made a suggestion that I could act as a sort of inside-the-loop outsider. As a Winona native I know exactly how the town operates and what it is like to live there, but because I haven’t lived there in four years, I’m enough removed from the actual workings of the town to talk about life as an expatriate.

I used to be a somewhat prolific poster on a now-defunct website called Twins Territory. Twins Territory was my first attempt at serious blogging, and although it was about a game (baseball), I felt quite strongly that I made great strides as a writer there, particularly in tailoring my writing to an audience. I also felt what it was like to regularly write columns around 1000 words or more, which is no mean feat for a guy in his mid-twenties holding down a 50-hour a week job (even if I do manage to get some of this writing done at work). To be honest, I felt a little pressure when I was writing there, and I was almost a bit thankful when the Twins started falling out of contention and a big field operation came along which basically finished me as a frequent poster there.

The blogger I most admire is a guy named Aaron Gleeman. I’ve mentioned Aaron a few times in this space before, predominantly in reference to his website. Aaron’s one of the most respected bloggers in the Minnesota Twins community, and he’s been the subject of a profile in Sports Illustrated.

Aaron’s not my hero because he writes about my favorite baseball team, or even because he’s hugely famous in his own niche. Aaron’s a Hero of the Blog because of his ability as a writer to put out over 1000 words a day without fail on subjects which, for a baseball fan, are quite interesting. His opinions are well thought-out, but most importantly, he’s engaging to read, which isn’t an easy task considering how much he has on his plate. He’s also my hero for caring so much about a subject to have built himself up into such a well-respected figure exclusively through his own hard work and perseverance.

If I could be like anyone as a writer, at least in terms of my presence on the Interweb is concerned, I would like to be like Aaron. The scope of Carriage Return is different than that of AaronGleeman.com, but if I could co-opt the quality writing Aaron does into topics I’m interested in, I’d be very pleased with myself.

I never would have expected myself to become a perfectionist like this. For years I was content to do things as well as they needed to be done and then leave them at that, but first culinary school, then the military, awakened the dormant Virgo inside me. There are some things that I demand of myself now that I wouldn’t have even been worried about four years ago, and that is going to translate into a desire to make this blog a more worthwhile read.

This also necessitates me delving into the news more often than I have been of late. I firmly hold to a policy which keeps me from discussing either political or religious views outside of a small circle of individuals, mostly because such discussions tend to have a point of diminishing return which is encountered early in the process. There are plenty of other subjects, equally or perhaps even more interesting, out there to discuss, such as when I posted about the value of preserving a historical landmark like Tiger Stadium in Detroit or the ins and outs of high-speed rail service in the Midwest. I was quite proud of both of those posts when I made them, and they will serve as models for what I hope to bring back to the table in the future.

Short Term Goals

In short, I’m going to start writing over 1000 words, good words, myself in my updates. Anything else isn’t going to satisfy my much longer, and I think that, as a writer, it’s the right direction to go. The added pressure might be tough at first, but I’m trying to make something of myself here. I’m also going to shift the content back from Op-Ed stuff (which I can confine to my WDN column) and to something a bit less personal and more topical.

Long Term Goals

When I first purchased the domain I had a vision that one day I would have my own online blogging community, somewhat in the vein of Twins Territory, though not concerned with baseball. The interplay between the posters and readers at Twins Territory was a huge draw for both sides, and I think it’s much more interesting to read six different articles all in one place, with the same readers contributing feedback on each individual post, then it is to read six individual blogs.

I know quite a few talented writers who I would love to invite into a writer’s community, and I had hoped to structure this site so eventually there would be a wide variety of things to read all in one place. I’m not going to equate the concept to The Huffington Post or anything like quite like that, nor am I going to set a specific timetable. I’m simply stating that this is a direction I’d like to go, once I get my own situation in order.

Finally

Apparently something is wrong with my coding here on the site, because when we were looking at it at work yesterday on Internet Explorer everything looked all messed up. Any faithful IE users out there who can tell me how long this has been going on?

I just committed the Cardinal Sin of the computing world.

I had a few links to track down to have everything just so, but before I went to find them, I didn’t save my update, which was 75% complete.

And, just because the world seems to be conspiring against me (and everyone else I know) this month, Firefox crashed. Of course, I have session recovery, but my update was lost forever.

I have only myself to be frustrated with, and I’m unspeakably so right now. I’ve got an Op/Ed column due in two days that I should be working on instead right now, but now that is put off another 45 minutes, at minimum.

I’d eventually like to make this a space where I write a few thousand words each time I update, but it’s a goal I’m going to have to work up to. Tonight is an annoying, but fortunately, rare hiccup in the greater scheme of things, and my field activity will hopefully start dwindling significantly in the next month.

A Diversion

Regardless of how settled you are, Find Your Spot is an incredibly fun way to pass a half-hour or so. After taking a brief survey of your preferences in weather, location, activities, and the like, the site gives you a list of cities and small towns which best reflect the type of community you would prefer to live in.

I take the survey periodically to see how my results fluctuate, and invariably there are a few that consistently make the list. Here’s how my results looked tonight, with places I have been to in bold, regulars on the list italicized:

1. Carlisle, Pennsylvania
2. Duluth, Minnesota
3. Grand Rapids, Michigan
4. Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota
5. Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
6. Ann Arbor, Michigan
7. Madison, Wisconsin
8. Rochester, Minnesota
9. Saint Cloud, Minnesota
10. Omaha, Nebraska
11. Rochester, New York
12. Ames, Iowa
13. Albany, New York
14. Hancock-Houghton, Michigan
15. Chicago, Illinois
16. Plymouth, New Hampshire
17. Cedar Rapids, Iowa
18. Sioux Falls, South Dakota
19. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
20. Kalamazoo, Michigan
21. Milwaukee, Wisconsin
22. Erie, Pennsylvania
23. Altoona, Pennsylvania
24. Spearfish, South Dakota
25. Iowa City, Iowa

Looking at that list, the upper Midwest and Pennsylvania are both very well represented. Perhaps it’s something having to do with the Great Lakes, but I just can’t imagine living anywhere else in the country anymore, though having a vacation home in Colorado would be awesome.

For the longest time I thought Duluth was the perfect city for me - good climate, astounding natural beauty, plenty to do outdoors - but I’m not quite certain if I’d even place it as my number two anymore. Obviously I’m excited to move to Madison (which I haven’t heard anything but good things about), but other cities could eventually become equally attractive. I keep hearing really good things about the new Pittsburgh…

On omission from the list is San Diego, which is intentional because of geographic location. If it weren’t in Southern California, San Diego is a city I might find myself growing to enjoy enough to live in. However, unless it finds a way to magically extricate itself from commuter and cost-of-living hell, that will never happen.

How close do you come to what you expected to be your top choice?

A Plug

If you’re at all a fan of sports, or if you fancy yourself a bit of a fashionista, slide on over to Paul Lukas’ incredible blog. Paul’s eye for minutiae would do Sherlock Holmes proud, and his writing style is fresh and pleasing to read. Learn why purple is the most evil color in sports (even as a fallen-away Viking fan, I can’t believe this), track the originality-exterminating logo creep so common on today’s uniforms, find out why major league catchers paint their fingernails, and stop by Lukas’ favorite soapbox - socks. Sites like Lukas’, who also writes/has written for ESPN.com, Salon.com, The Village Voice, and The New York Times, are why the Interweb is so much more than a economic or research tool.